Bedtime Karaoke and other stories

I was reading a post from VickyD at My Shrinking Belly, she was talking about cuddling with her husband and it really brought to light for me that there is genuine love in their relationship.  I have followed her blog since the beginning and you can just 'hear' it in her posts.  Anyway, I thought about my life and the love in it, this post is what came and I am dedicating it to Peaches.  

I was once married, it was a long, long time ago and for a very short time (about nine months) and it was a mistake from beginning to end. During this time I went from 165 to 220, I ate to hide my feelings and because I was sad and lonely.   I didn't deserve to be happy or skinny or sexy.  About two years after that I got involved in an extremely unhealthy, scary relationship, this went on for four years, on and off.  This time I yo-yoed with weight and went to some pretty crazy extremes to keep it off.  When the final bell rang on this bout of self loathing and broken dreams I topped the scales at 260.  If I had gained anything from those four years (other than lots of weight) it was affirmation that I didn't deserve happiness or love or consideration or respect.  I was not worth it, so why not just fill that void with Twinkies and Kit Kats.

While I was still emotionally bruised and recovering from this 'relationship' I met a guy.  I thought it was too soon, my friends all told me it was too soon but life doesn't always follow the rules.

 Let me digress for a minute and tell you that I believe that there are certain people in your life for a reason, I believe that these same souls will be there again in our next life.  Have you ever met someone and just felt like you knew them?  I believe this is someone that you knew in a past life, a soulmate.  To me this term does not have any romantic meaning at all, it just means that there is a connection between you and this other person that runs deep, it runs to your soul.  Stick with me here, I do have a point and will get to bedroom karaoke!  

So I met this man during a time when I was recovering from the death of my mom/best friend, rebuilding my life after a horrible break-up and had just been diagnosed with cancer.  We worked together and it all started as a little harmless flirting, he nicknamed me Red Hen (I can't for the life of me remember now why) and we would email all day.  Just little funny things that kept me smiling.  I knew he was a soulmate right away, but did not attach any romantic significance to this.  I was taking huge amounts of Prednisone and bigger now than I ever was before, I was balding, I was sick, I was still living in the shadow of crap my last relationship left me with.  Then one day I remember working and it was his day off, I knew I would not be seeing him or getting any of his emails.  I was sitting at my desk and I heard his laugh, he has stopped by to surprise me with lunch and was talking to someone on the other side of the building.  He laughed at something they said and I heard it and I got butterflies.  Huge eagle size butterflies and I remember thinking, maybe I do deserve something better....maybe.   

Fast forward 4 years and that same man is now my co-host for Bedtime Karaoke.  At least once a week Peaches and I will each pick a song or two to download and play/lip sync to.  This takes place once we are both in bed, hence the name.  And we all know what happens when there is some rocking music going on......that's right kids we dance!!  If there is a cat or dog laying close they often become the puppet to our choreographic mastery.  And at the conclusion of the amazing display of talent, when I am looking at his adorable grin and hearing that laugh that still gives me eagle size butterflies in my tummy I know that I deserve happiness.  I deserve love.  I deserve romance.  I deserve my little 'family' of fur babies and Peaches.  I deserve to love myself - inside and out.