All about Minimizing

Saturday, March 31, 2012

Big temptation day!!

Today I went to birthday party for Peaches niece and holy moly was there temptation everywhere!!  Huge bowls of M & M's, chips, salsa, tacos, enchiladas, cake and ice cream.  I ate before I went in hopes that I would not want to eat, but that plan didn't work. was a long, long day.

I made it home with no oopsies, but I have spent the last four hours fantasizing about grease and frosting.  I make chocolate protein pudding and had some of that, but my brain just won't back down.  Boo to my brain!

Holy cracker jack!!  I think I just found a cure to hunger, have any of you watched the movie The Immortals???  Peaches is watching it now while I blog and I may have just thrown up in my mouth.  We just rented this on Demand but I think I may invest in it for help with my post op diet.  Ewww....

This is kind of a rambling post, I don't really have too much to say except that I am sooooo excited!  Less than two days away and I will be in surgery and on the way to a healthier life.

Thank you to LBG for the shout out and to all my new followers!  I will be getting to know anyone's blog that I don't already follow!  I love appreciate all the support you have already given me!

Thursday, March 29, 2012

First and second negative reaction, all in one day

Let me start by saying that I am VERY open about my surgery, all of my family and friends know and support my decision.  Until yesterday no one said anything negative, not to my face at least.  My job has three different buildings and I very rarely venture out of my building, but yesterday I had a presentation to give in another location.  While I was there I ran into a guy that I started at this company with 6 years ago.  He and I have always been friendly and talk when we see each other but are not close.  While we were talking I asked him if he was losing weight and he told me he has lost 30lbs through WW.  I congratulated him and asked him how that was going.  Then he asked me the same thing, had I lost weight.  I think I am down about 15lbs since I last saw him so I said yes and this liquid diet is probably helping!  He asked about that and I told him about the upcoming surgery.  Then he got this horrified look on his face and said "Don't you think that is a bit extreme?"  I said that I had done a lot of research and been working for it since June of last year so I really feel like it's the right decision for me.  He proceeded to tell me about his wife's aunt that got Lapband and lost 30lbs in the first two months then put it all back on plus some.  I said that everyone's journey is different and it all depends on how you use it.  Then he looked at his watch and said I have to get back to my desk.  "I guess I'll say good luck.  I really hope it works.....for you if not for everyone else that gets it."  

Now a comment like that is just what it takes to get mama's b*tch switch flipped and normally I would have gotten mad and said something that I might regret later.  I managed to keep my work face on though, I smiled, thanked him and wished him luck on his weight loss too.  I was just stunned, I wanted to start throwing out blog names and tell him to do some research!! 

Second negative reaction happened when I again had to venture out to another department, in the third building.  This time I ran into someone that had the Lapband surgery almost 2 years ago.  She is in a department that I never have to deal with so I have never really talked to her before, about work or personal stuff.  But she heard from someone that I was getting the Lapband and she wanted to tell me why it was a mistake.  Before the Lapband she did Ideal Protein for a year and lost 115lbs, then she got the band and stopped losing.  She just told me that it does nothing to help with cravings and you can't eat anything but soup and milkshakes.  I told her that I was sorry she had a hard time of it and asked it she had gone to the doctor about he problems with restriction.  She said that the doctors were worthless.  Then walked away. 

I was seething by the time I got back to my office, in no way did either of these encounters shake my belief that this is the right decision for me.  If anything they awoke a little fire in me to 'show these people how it can be done'.  I don't want to start my journey with anger and an agenda of anything other than my success for me.  So on my jog home I did a little soul searching and found the ability to let it go and hope that they can find the peace they need to be happy, because I am about to start my journey to find my peace.  And I will not fail. 

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

The Hunger Games

The Hunger Games is really running through my mind today, for two reasons.....

First is the the fact that I went last night to see the movie and IT WAS AWESOME!!  I have read the series and am always hesitant to see a movie based on a book that I really enjoyed.  But there was nothing in the movie to ruin the awesomeness of the story (not like The Horse Whisperer - I am still mad about that 12 years later).  While I was devouring this series in one weekend Peaches, maybe a little upset because I basically ignored him and his 'manly' needs for three whole days, made fun of me for reading 'kid' books.  I am not ashamed of my love for a little Young Adult fiction.  I read Harry Potter, Percy Jackson and Twilight series and loved every single one of these books.  My chief complaint in the YA genre is the sex scenes (or lack thereof), I am a girl that cannot be satisfied with make-out sessions alone.  I need penetration!! 

Secondly I am in my own set of hunger games, today dawned on day 10 of my two week pre-op liquid diet.  I still find myself hungry, but is it stomach hunger or head hunger??  I find that by eating on a set schedule I am less likely to want to just shove food in my mouth but even when it is not my meal or snack time I want food.  After whining and waffling about this yesterday after I got home from work but before dinner Peaches gave me a good suggestion.  He told me to have a protein drink, if it's real hunger that would curb it.  If it's head hunger I will still have the craving but then I will know for sure and I can crush it with my awesome willpower. 

He really believes in the power of projection, you project the feelings or words that you want to come true and eventually your mind takes these as truth and it happens.  He has been making an effort to somehow fit a projection for my success into every conversation, sometimes in an incredibly awkward way.  Like this:

Peaches - Mo, did you pick up any contact solution?
Morgan - Yeah, it's in the drawer.
Peaches -  I should have known, you have such a desire to succeed there is no way you could fail. 
Morgan - ???????  Weirdo. 

Or he has started to coach me to stop saying 'I am sick of....' or ' I am tired of....'  and instead use ' I am fed up with...'.  Then I will not be constantly reinforcing my brain to think I am sick or tired, but full instead. 

At first I thought he was a little kooky, but what the hey I am willing to do what it takes to be successful and it certainly is not going to hurt me to project some good thoughts out there. 

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

I cheated

This morning I was making Peaches lunch for the day and I had a piece of cheese, it was .5oz and I logged it.  But it is not a liquid, no matter how well I chew it.  I told Peaches right away, but I also felt the need to confess to you guys. 

That is all.

Monday, March 26, 2012

So, so close

I now have 6 days, 15 hours, 8 min and 3 sec  until I am a bandster!!!  Usually I make a spreadsheet that helps me countdown to something awesome, like vacation, but my technologically minded hunny bun downloaded an app for my phone.  He is so smart!

I think I might actually be ready for this.  I don't want to say that too loud or the poop cloud ju ju will land on my head.  However, today I paid my contribution to my surgeon, the surgical center and the anesthesiologist.  I also got confirmation from my HR department that my FMLA and PTO are approved for next week.  I have gone over everything that needs to be done with the person that will be handling all my projects while I am out.  My giant list of anything and everything I thought I might need, is filled.  I really think I am ready for it!  Now I am just mad at my surgeon for going on vacation with her family and making me wait an extra week, the nerve of some people.  

I am pretty frustrated with my dad right now and that makes my days seem longer.  Peaches and I are babysitting my dad's dog while he and his SO are out of town and he has never taught his dog about the magic of the snooze button.  The snooze button needs to be respected and treated with the dignity.   But nooooooooo, as soon as Anna hears that first alarm she is up and at em!  I am a chronic snoozer, I set my alarm for 5:15am when I have no intention whatsoever of actually getting out of my bed before 5:45.  It drives Peaches NUTS but I really feel that I get better sleep in 8 min increments for that last half hour.  So my days have not only been 30 min longer last week so far this week, but (and I feel this is the really important part) they have been 30 min earlier!!  Ridiculous I tell you!!  B*tches be trippin!  My dogs have to be physically roused out of the bed in the morning to go outside and do their business, that's because I trained them right.  I will be having a talk with my dad when he gets home.  

And one more thing!!  I walk/jog home from work everyday and for the THIRD time in 6 months I came within a ladybug poot of being hit by a car while crossing the street...when I was in the crosswalk...and the little flashing light guy told me to do it.  What the eff is wrong with people??

Now I am going to take my happy and excited and oh so tired @ss to bed and try to make up for the 30 min of snooze sleep I lost this morning.  We are now at 6 days, 14 hours, 52 min and 27 sec OR 158 hours OR 9,531 min OR 571,900 sec OR 5,718,863,540 milliseconds.  My prediction Peaches is going to rue the day he downloaded this app for me. 

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Third post....

I know, another one!  You may be out there thinking "Slow your roll!!"  But this is a plea for help.  I have been trying to comment on blogs and only some will let me.  The ones that won't will flash a comment box then flash again and just show me all the comments that are already posted, but not let me add to them.  Anyone with help, it would be much appreciated.

I have already googled it and went through logging out and making sure that the 'stay logged in' was not checked and called IT (my brother) and still it's a no go on some.


My Babies

This is the world's introduction to the babies that keep me going.  I cannot have kids myself, while I was on chemo they used a drug that has been proven to cause horrible birth defects and I had to agree to be sterilized.  I have never really thought of myself as a mommy anyway so this was not a hard decision, I am more of an auntie.  I have four honorary nieces and nephews, one niece-in-law and a very young sister-in-law that I spoil like crazy!  Anywhoo, without further ado.....The Nerd Herd.

Izabelle aka Stinkerbelle (she farts...A LOT)

Murphy aka Smurf

Dhugal aka Doodleberry

Smitty aka Mittster and Sax aka Nacker

Kemo aka Keem

Last but not least...Tortimer

Well that's the crew, they are a handful but lots of fun! 

Where I started, where I am now and where I hope to be

This will be my official 'starting' post.  I have included stats from one year ago when I was at my highest weight.  03/18/12 is the day before I started my liquid diet and I should note that I am 5'9".

Date Neck Arm Bust Chest Waist HD Hips Thigh Calf Weight
03/05/11 16.75 16 50.25 42 45.5 53 49.25 31.5 17.5 295.5
03/18/12 16.75 14 48.5 40.5 43.25 52.5 48.5 30.25 17.25 263.4

Here are the pics. 

As far as where I hope to be....I have a hard time setting goals for myself but I also realize the importance of doing so.  My goal weight at this point in 175lbs and I would love to hit that by one year.

I will let my babies have their very own post, so right now I am trying to pare down the 5,000,000 pictures I have of them into one apiece.  I keep finding new ones and Peaches keeps saying " I don't think they want to see Dhugal's Christmas sweater" or "I'm not sure that you need to post pictures of Murphy's surgery".  It may take a bit but I will be able to make some decisions and get them up (maybe, for sure, I think).

Saturday, March 24, 2012

A revelation

I want to start out this post by thanking all of you for your support!   Suddenly the next three weeks of liquids doesn't seem so horrible.  Sarah at Fat on the Inside left me a comment that opened my eyes a bit:

"It goes quick in the grand scheme of things. I made lots of different soups: butternut squash, wild mushroom, chicken and sweetcorn, pea and mint, leek and potato, spicy red lentil, tomato and red pepper. I froze loads to use after the op and fills too. It did help to still give me tasty food to focus on."

After I read that I realized I was still in 'diet' mode, I was punishing myself for being fat and was not allowed to enjoy my food.  Well EFFFF that!  Sarah said I could like my food, and I am gunna!  Peaches and I took the pups for a walk to the store and I bought stuff for chicken tortilla soup (I blended my soup and added a lot more broth and tomato juice), split pea with turkey ham (I don't get the ham bits), spicy thai coconut, pho, roasted balsamic tomato and broccoli cheddar (all from Cooking Light).  Along with ingredients to make my own chicken stock.  I just finished a bowl of the tortilla soup, after blending I topped it with a tbsp of plain greek yogurt, and for the first time since Monday I don't feel deprived.  I feel like I just ate a damn fine bowl of soup!

Now that I have conquered the diet woes, what else should I make sure and have on hand for after the surgery?  I go in at 2:30 in the afternoon, so my surgeon said I will most likely be staying the night.  Peaches has Monday and Tuesday off to be with me, one of my BFF, code name Tammy Faye, will be with me on Wednesday and then I will be on my own Thursday and Friday.  Unless I need help, if so my dad will be 'on call'.

Well I am off to a pirate themed b-day party for a good friend.  Since I had cancer I don't really drink so I hate to be in a bar, but I am going to buck up and put my party panties on!  I am putting together my starting pics and stats from last Sunday and I will be posting those tomorrow, as well as adding some pics of my babies.

Again, thank you all from the bottom of my heart!  I no longer feel the need to go out and castrate every d-bag guy I will see in the bar tonight, unless they tell me I am too fat to jump, then all bets are off.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Can a lack of chewing be linked to going crazy??

Is it possible that the lack of solids have made me go crazy?  Even crazier than I have been in the past?  I was listening to music at work and the The Rose by Bette Middler came on and so did the water works.  Not like the delicate, enchanting little tears running down my cheek, but like the hysterical sobbing that inevitably leads to my gagging and vomiting.  And when this little lady vomits she vomits, gut wrenching hurls that involve my entire body, Peaches says I sound like I am being skinned alive.  So there I was crying, hurling, making this horrible screaming noise and the song changes (I am wearing ear buds with my Zune) and I am fine.  Oh, it’s Weezer, there is no crying with Weezer, silly girl. 
More proof that I may be going over the edge, I stopped at Albertson’s on my way home today and there was a HUGE jacked up truck in the parking lot and on his back window he had a lovely little decal.  It said:
LIFT IT UP!!  Fat chicks can’t jump. 
I am a pretty outspoken chick, I don’t back down from confrontation but I don’t go out and look for it either.  However that oh so clever little quip flipped the bitch switch in this fat chick, Miss Blanche DuBois was out in all her glory!!   I waited in the parking lot until he came out of the store and went to get in the truck and I approached him with a big smile on my face and my hand out for a shake.  He took it and smiled back, that’s when I told him that I just wanted to know that I was a big supporter of the research being done to cure micro penis and I was praying for him.  The friend that was with him laughed hysterically, but Mr. Making Up For Something With A Giant Ridiculous D-Bag Truck just called me a fat bitch.  I was pretty proud of myself for a second or two, than the realistic Morgan piped in with ‘Why give that guy the power??’  For sh*t sake he has a set of blue, rubber testicles hanging from his trailer hitch.’  Maybe I did give him the power, but the look on his face will bring me joy for months to come!   

Any advice on how to keep my sanity during this liquid stuff would be appreciated.  To my new followers, THANK YOU!!  For those of you I was not previously following, I am now and will get all caught up with your journeys this weekend.

The struggles of the non-creative mind

A very good friend of mine is a scrapbooker, actually to describe her as a scrapbooker is like describing Hot Dutchess as a little pooch.  She is a SCRAPBOOKER, one whole room in her house is dedicated to it.  With shelves and boxes and drawers full of all the accoutrements.  It is really quite amazing.  Anyway, she has tried on several occassions to get me to scrapbook with her and as the hungry hungry hippo of creativity, I have turned her down.  I do not have a creative bone in my body, I suck the creativity out of the room.  But when I was talking about ways to document my journey, I mentioned this blog but also talked about having an 'inspiration' board.  So Ms. Scrapper gave me a little present on the night before my liquid diet started, it's a Smash Book.  Like a mini scrap book, it even comes with a nifty little pen that is pen on one side and glue on the other.  She also picked up some cute pockets and note paper and stickers to go along with it.  Then she gave me the pep talk 'It doesn't have to be creative or pretty or make sense to anyone but you!  Just find some “dream” pictures and stick them in there.  No pressure.

Now being the ridiculously anal retentive person that I am, I fell back on my safety net.  A list!  I love lists, I have even been known to make lists of the lists I have already made, for reals, I may or may not have a touch of OCD.  When I started my list I had all the stuff that sits foremost in my mind:
·         Painting my toenails
·         Horseback riding (at one point in my life I was quite the horsewoman)
·         Yoga
·         Running
·         Cute clothes, not ones that come appliqu├ęd with Winnie the Poo or giant flowers (Not that I have anything against flowers or Winnie the Poo, but I do like to dress with a little pizzazz!)
I could go on and on forever.  Then I asked Peaches if there was anything that he hoped I would get out of making this change.  He gave me his adorable little grin and told me that he wanted me to start wearing lingerie again.  Once upon a time ago I liked how I looked, I liked to get dolled up in sexy undies and shaking it for my man…..So I jumped online to a lingerie website and together we picked out my ‘goal’ outfit. 

This weekend I will take some quiet time while Peaches is doing some drumming and start the process of allowing myself to dream again, of letting go of the fat chain that has been around my neck. 

P.S. I got my first follower last night.  So a big thanks to you Rockband Barbie, you make my heart sing!

Thursday, March 22, 2012

A long day of liquids

I want to chew something, chew it up and swallow it!!  I want to each something crunchy.  I made Hot and Sour soup last night and strained all the goodies out of mine.  A teeny, tiny piece of celery made its way into my tupperware for lunch and when I unknowingly crunched on that little piece of heaven the world slowed on its axis.   We met, I chewed, he crunched and was over.  All too quickly.

Tonight I made some delicious Beer Cheese Soup for din din!  A one cup serving is just 180 calories and 12g of protein and bonus-Peaches even enjoyed it.  I actually had a defining moment while I was cooking.  I had all the veggies, broth, milk and flour in my dutch oven and I was waiting for it to boil.  I got distracted and started reading a gardening magazine and next thing I know I smell scorched milk and my pot was close to boiling over.  I dumped out the grossness and there was a THICK crust of burnt milk and flour on the bottom of the pot and here is where I made a decision that gave me strength to go another 7 weeks with nothing crunchy to munch on.  I didn't just abandon making dinner and run to McDonald's.  In the past that is exactly what I would have done, I would have sped down the street and ordered that number one, why yes I would like to make that a large and why don't your throw in two more hamburgers that I can eat on the way home.  Heaven knows I am so under nourished I could faint at any second without food in my mouth.  And that my friends, is the secret to my relationship with Hot Dutchess.

Have I mentioned Hot Dutchess before?  She is the lowest, largest of my fat rolls.  The one that has caused people to ask if am pregnant, the one that makes is near impossible to paint my own toes, the one that creates a perfect seal to the skin of my pubic area and sweats all day.  Actually the pregnant thing is really funny, I have a pretty dry sense of humor and I am not really sensitive about my weight, so when I get the occasional question about due date or congratulations from a co-worker I don't see often I get a giant kick in the pants from the look on their face when I tell them that I am not in fact prego, just lardo.  Too funny!!  I once even got a lecture from a cashier at Albertson's about the irresponsibility of drinking while pregnant.  I told her that I thought Fetal Alcohol Syndrome babies were cute (I, in fact do not think this but really felt the need to shock her) she almost had a heart attack. 

10 more days until this party really gets started, 38 more days of a liquid/puree/mushy diet.  I can do this, I will do this.  My relationship with Hot Dutchess has come to an end.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Finally, finally, FINALLY!!!!

It's been a minute or two since I last posted but my life took a little turn down Poopy Lane and I am just now finding my way back!!  At the end of January I got Shingles and a round of the EXCRUCIATING pain that accompanies it.  My doctor put me on amitriptyline, although it did help with the pain it also had two nasty side effects.  I was sleeping 20 hours a day, I could not even keep my eyes open.  And I was craving sweets like mad, if one Twinkie is good then, of course, five is better!  I took a leave of absence from work, between the pain and the sleeping there was no way I could function and during that time I gained 17lbs.  All this time I was still waiting to hear if my appeal with my insurance company was successful or if I needed to come up with $15,000 for this surgery.

On Feb 27th I managed to wake myself from my drug haze long enough to read a letter congratulating on my approval for my LapBand!!  I called Misty, the insurance guru / facilitator / nurse at the Weight Management Clinic, about 13 seconds after I got done running around my house screaming at the top of my lungs.  She scheduled the appointment with my surgeon at 9 am on 03/14 and 2 pm on the same day to go over the pre-op and first two weeks post-op diet with her.  My surgeon was awesome, she tolerated all my 'what-if' scenarios and gave me a very realistic picture of the bad things that can happen with the band.  For about 5 min I had a freak-out and considered changing to bypass.  I am not afraid of hard work, I know what got me to where I am and I am determined to make changes and I really like the idea of being accountable for my success.  I want to be able to look at my before and after pics and say "That's right, I did that.  Bitches be trippin'!!"  So we ended with scheduling my surgery for 04/02 at 230 pm.

Later that day I met with Misty to get the DL on the pre and post-op diets.  My doctor requires at least 10 days pre-op liquid diet and that commenced on 03/26, I think now it might have been a mistake to start on a Monday.  On Sunday night I said good-bye to pop, I think we had a great run at it, Dr. Pepper and I.  But I just couldn't take his sugary deliciouness anymore.  The cravings are starting to go away now and I have lost 4 of the 17 lbs I gained when I was down with Shingles.

Now that it is real, like really for reals real, I find myself getting scared.  What if i fail?  What if I have to have it removed?  What if I never wake up?  What if all the cows take over the world and make humans their slaves and there is no more milk chocolate?  You (my yet to be identified reader) might as well know that I can be a smidge dramatic and I can revel in it, like a pig in mud.  I think one of the reasons I love Peaches so much is the way he handles the 'what iffing' and when Blanche DuBois (my overly dramatic, slightly crazy alter ego) makes an appearance.  He never scoffs or points out my irrationalisms, but carries on a serious conversation with real answers.  Eventually the absurdity of his answers allow me to take a step back and realize I am the fodder for the crazy fire.  At that point I can admit that I might be a little, ensy, bensy bit cuckoo...just a scootch mind you!

Anywho, that's where I am now.  Peeing every four minutes, seriously considering setting up my laptop in the ladies room at work so I could actually get something done.  Drooling over a coupon for Buffalo Wild Wings.  Having outrageous 'sex' dreams that end up with me turning my back on the hottie and diving into a sundae.  I will be a more active blogger from now on!  Cross my droopy boobies and hope to never have cheese sticks again.