About four years ago I started doing yoga pretty regularly at a local yoga studio, then I managed to gain 75lbs in 5 months and could no longer even get up off the floor with out rocking myself into motion. It became very hard to even see my toes, let alone stretch to touch my toes. Come to think of it everything became hard at that point...tying my shoes, walking up stairs, making sexy time with Peaches, talking without losing my breath. Even with losing out on so many things it still took me four years to decide to do something about it. I spend a lot of time wondering why it is so hard for me to really get a clear look at myself, physically and psychologically.
I am not the the type of person to keep my opinion to myself, generally by the time the thought has time to form in my head it is already half way out of my mouth. And I have an opinion on EVERYTHING, more than one in most cases! But when it comes down to really analyzing my weaknesses, I've got NADA! Now as much as I would like to believe that is because I just don't have any weaknesses, it's most likely not the case...although outside of this blog I will deny I ever, ever said that. When my mom was alive I used her as the yard stick by which I measured myself, I often had the internal dialogue of 'Is this a good idea? Would I tell mom about it? Yes-THEN DO IT!! No-Then let's re-think this one a bit." She was the one that asked me the hard questions, the ones that kept me up at night and made me cry, but also made me grow. But she is gone now and no one else really holds that mirror up in front of me and asks me to look at myself.
I have decided that I will be that person, I am a big girl....a BIIIIIG girl and I think I am finally ready to hold my own mirror. Why did I let myself get this fat? Because I feel like my mom died being disappointed in me and I don't deserve to be happy. Now that is one thought I managed to keep inside my head for a long, long time...I don't think I have ever even acknowledged that was there. I want to be successful in this journey, I want to get my life back, I want to do yoga and tie my shoes, and walk up stairs and talk without losing my breath (I am still making the sexy time with Peaches but not a artfully and athletically as I would like). And in order to do that I need to hold myself accountable and remove the excuses that got me here.
So tomorrow morning I am going to yoga and even if I get stuck I will salute the sun, face my dog downward and change my cat into a cow!