My doctor said everything is looking good, I was finally able to remove the last of the steri-strips, yah!!! However my surgeon has asked for a barium swallow test, because she used a large band and just wants to make sure everything is still where is is supposed to be on the inside. I will be doing that tomorrow morning and I am a little nervous about it. (I talked to Peaches about this, he assured me I am good at swallowing and have nothing to worry about...hahahahaha.) But really I am letting my what-iffer and anxiety kick into overdrive!! What if it was too lose and has moved and they have to do surgery and my insurance won't cover it for some reason and ...and ....and ...well that's as far as I have gotten so far.
I am going to start going back to yoga, going to a slow and gentle class tonight. I am hoping this will help me center myself and find my chi again, I seem to have misplaced it!
All about Minimizing
Monday, April 16, 2012
I need another weekend!!
I came to work this morning feeling cheated, like I didn't actually get a weekend. BOOOO!!
For Christmas Peaches and I gave his brother and sister-in-law a gift certificate to a Chico Hot Springs Resort (this amazing little hotel with a HUGE naturally heated pool and an amazing restaurant), along with a 'coupon' for a weekend of babysitting. They cashed in this past weekend, so we had Niece 1 (10 yrs) and Niece 2 (4 years). Friday night we took them for pizza, Sat night we bar-b-qued and rented a movie and yesterday the girls and I had a 'girl' date and went to lunch and to see Mirror Mirror. I love to be Auntie Morgan for the weekend, but holy cracker jack kids are a TON of work. I really admire all you moms out there.
We also got all of our landscaping done in the yard, whew!! I thought the rototiller I rented was going to be one of those cute little things that you just walked behind....WRONG-O!!! It was a huge beast of a thing that nearly shook the poo out of me if I tried to use it. Peaches did the tilling while I used the power rake and mowed. Then we both shoveled dirt, sand and gravel. Now I am pretty sure I pinched a nerve or something, my left side is weak and tingly.
On the band front, I go for my two week visit with my weight management doctor and nurse today. M, my nurse/guru, will be going over the Pureed Stage with me and I will start on that tonight!! I can't wait, it makes my heart happy to think about getting closer to solid foods. I am kind of nervous though, the batteries in our scale are dead and they are these weird 3v disc batteries and it seems like every time I am at a store I forget them, even when they are on the list....maybe it's a sub conscience thing. Anyway I have not weighed myself since last Tue!! I am thinking of asking if I could get naked to weigh at the Dr office today.
Something else that has my crazy what-iffer brain going off is my port. It is still pretty sore and it seems like it is 'taller' now. Like it is sticking out more. I start going over stuff in my head, like lifting a laundry basket three days after surgery...did my port flip?? I can what-if anything for hours and hours. My surgeon did tell me that she sews the port onto a piece of surgical mesh (the kind used to repair hernias) then sews they whole thing to the abdominal wall, she has found that this prevents flipped ports, so I feel a little better. But I can't quite shut my brain down!!!
So with my busy weekend I did not read a single blog, but I am using my quiet morning at work to get all caught up on what's been shaking in your worlds!
For Christmas Peaches and I gave his brother and sister-in-law a gift certificate to a Chico Hot Springs Resort (this amazing little hotel with a HUGE naturally heated pool and an amazing restaurant), along with a 'coupon' for a weekend of babysitting. They cashed in this past weekend, so we had Niece 1 (10 yrs) and Niece 2 (4 years). Friday night we took them for pizza, Sat night we bar-b-qued and rented a movie and yesterday the girls and I had a 'girl' date and went to lunch and to see Mirror Mirror. I love to be Auntie Morgan for the weekend, but holy cracker jack kids are a TON of work. I really admire all you moms out there.
We also got all of our landscaping done in the yard, whew!! I thought the rototiller I rented was going to be one of those cute little things that you just walked behind....WRONG-O!!! It was a huge beast of a thing that nearly shook the poo out of me if I tried to use it. Peaches did the tilling while I used the power rake and mowed. Then we both shoveled dirt, sand and gravel. Now I am pretty sure I pinched a nerve or something, my left side is weak and tingly.
On the band front, I go for my two week visit with my weight management doctor and nurse today. M, my nurse/guru, will be going over the Pureed Stage with me and I will start on that tonight!! I can't wait, it makes my heart happy to think about getting closer to solid foods. I am kind of nervous though, the batteries in our scale are dead and they are these weird 3v disc batteries and it seems like every time I am at a store I forget them, even when they are on the list....maybe it's a sub conscience thing. Anyway I have not weighed myself since last Tue!! I am thinking of asking if I could get naked to weigh at the Dr office today.
Something else that has my crazy what-iffer brain going off is my port. It is still pretty sore and it seems like it is 'taller' now. Like it is sticking out more. I start going over stuff in my head, like lifting a laundry basket three days after surgery...did my port flip?? I can what-if anything for hours and hours. My surgeon did tell me that she sews the port onto a piece of surgical mesh (the kind used to repair hernias) then sews they whole thing to the abdominal wall, she has found that this prevents flipped ports, so I feel a little better. But I can't quite shut my brain down!!!
So with my busy weekend I did not read a single blog, but I am using my quiet morning at work to get all caught up on what's been shaking in your worlds!
Friday, April 13, 2012
A new day
A great big thank you everyone that helped for me to see that I am only human and there is always tomorrow.
Yesterday I wore a pair of pants that rubbed on my port all day and by 1pm I was hurtin!! I went home and changed into yoga pants and worked from there for the rest of the day. I set my kitchen timer for 10min and every time it went off I would take a couple drinks of water (I saw this idea on another blog and I can't remember whose, sorry!). By doing this I was able to get in a total of 80oz, over half of it at home!!
When Peaches got home we did some measuring in our yard, we are doing sod in our front yard. Also we are putting in some raised garden beds in the backyard with gravel paths in between and a sandbox for the puppies. I am hoping by having their own area that I will bury treats in I can keep them from digging up my lawn (fingers crossed). Then we took a trip to Home Depot and got all the stuff we would need to get these projects done this weekend. I will post some before and after pics when we are finished. I am sooooo excited about my garden and flowers and lawn. I love to be outside all summer, even if I am a super crabby jerkface for the week or two that we are over 100 degrees. However, this year is has become apparent that our fence needs stained, here's the kicker on the staining a fence....there are TWO sides to it! TWO!! So just when I get done with a section and feel all good about it, I have to walk around it and start all over. It's BS I tell you! And to top off our summer projects we need to either paint the house or put together some fundage for siding. I am all for the second option and seeing as how we were ready to self-pay for my Band and now don't have to, I say go for it. Peaches on the other hand is more money minded and wants to paint one more time and side in two or three years. I HATE PAINTING!!!
I am putting together a shopping list and menu options for my transition next week into PUREED THINGS!! I have a slight texture issue so the thought of just dropping a chicken breast in a blender or eating baby food out of the jar makes me barf a little. So I am looking for some creative, protein packed puree ideas. So far I have found Edamame-Garlic, Refried Black Beans, Cauliflower-Zucchini and a Butternut Caramel Flan. I plan on adding some poached chicken to the first three to protein them up!
Your support and advice to just get over myself was just what I needed yesterday, so thank you from the bottom of my heart. I did end up telling Peaches last night and he just said that he's sure I didn't break my band and it's not the end of the world. I have anxiety issues and sometimes when my switch gets flipped, I can't back it down. Anything can quickly become the be-all and end-all. I am no longer on my meds for this and have not had a full blown attack in almost 8 months but I still have the tendency to get buried under the issue in my head and need a lifeline to find my way out. You all were that lifeline yesterday!!
Yesterday I wore a pair of pants that rubbed on my port all day and by 1pm I was hurtin!! I went home and changed into yoga pants and worked from there for the rest of the day. I set my kitchen timer for 10min and every time it went off I would take a couple drinks of water (I saw this idea on another blog and I can't remember whose, sorry!). By doing this I was able to get in a total of 80oz, over half of it at home!!
When Peaches got home we did some measuring in our yard, we are doing sod in our front yard. Also we are putting in some raised garden beds in the backyard with gravel paths in between and a sandbox for the puppies. I am hoping by having their own area that I will bury treats in I can keep them from digging up my lawn (fingers crossed). Then we took a trip to Home Depot and got all the stuff we would need to get these projects done this weekend. I will post some before and after pics when we are finished. I am sooooo excited about my garden and flowers and lawn. I love to be outside all summer, even if I am a super crabby jerkface for the week or two that we are over 100 degrees. However, this year is has become apparent that our fence needs stained, here's the kicker on the staining a fence....there are TWO sides to it! TWO!! So just when I get done with a section and feel all good about it, I have to walk around it and start all over. It's BS I tell you! And to top off our summer projects we need to either paint the house or put together some fundage for siding. I am all for the second option and seeing as how we were ready to self-pay for my Band and now don't have to, I say go for it. Peaches on the other hand is more money minded and wants to paint one more time and side in two or three years. I HATE PAINTING!!!
I am putting together a shopping list and menu options for my transition next week into PUREED THINGS!! I have a slight texture issue so the thought of just dropping a chicken breast in a blender or eating baby food out of the jar makes me barf a little. So I am looking for some creative, protein packed puree ideas. So far I have found Edamame-Garlic, Refried Black Beans, Cauliflower-Zucchini and a Butternut Caramel Flan. I plan on adding some poached chicken to the first three to protein them up!
Your support and advice to just get over myself was just what I needed yesterday, so thank you from the bottom of my heart. I did end up telling Peaches last night and he just said that he's sure I didn't break my band and it's not the end of the world. I have anxiety issues and sometimes when my switch gets flipped, I can't back it down. Anything can quickly become the be-all and end-all. I am no longer on my meds for this and have not had a full blown attack in almost 8 months but I still have the tendency to get buried under the issue in my head and need a lifeline to find my way out. You all were that lifeline yesterday!!
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Fatty Forever
Fatty forever...that may just be me.
This morning one of the ladies that works in my office brought in a bunch of Easter candy she didn't want at her house. A giant freaking bowl of chocolate!!! I was in the kitchen when she came in and sat it down, I sooooo very casually looked at it when I walked past on my way back to my desk...then I sat and fantasized, I schemed. For four hours I held out, but I finally lost the war. I made two more 'recon' trips to the kitchen, it was like freaking Mission Impossible when I went in for the snatch. On trip number one I spotted the Cadbury Egg, on trip two someone else was in there. I went back a third time, looked around and grabbed that little sucker.
Then it got even worse. Already I am feeling humiliated and defeated, so why not just compound that!! I TOOK IT TO THE BATHROOM TO EAT IT!!!!!!!! In the effing bathroom!!!!!!! Sweet baby Jesus, I am a crackhead. Hiding in the effing s**tter with my little foil wrapped bundle of crack. I scarffed that thing down so fast it made my pouch hurt and the whole time I was cussing at myself.
I am just 10days out from surgery and already sabotaging my success. I don't want to tell Peaches and I tell him everything. I know he won't be mad or make me feel bad, but it's like sharing my humiliation out loud makes it more permanent and real. So I am telling you all and logging it in MFP, all 150 calories and 25 GRAMS OF SUGAR!! For eff's sake the whole thing only weighs 39 grams. UGGGG, what the efifity eff did I just do and more importantly why the effity eff did I do it?
I am also having a hard time getting my water in this week, I do really well at work. Keep that mug in front of me all the time, but at home I get distracted. I have not hit 64oz in the last two days. I will be working on this today, working diligently! Also I will be talking myself out of the 200yard walk to Target to see if they have any Cadbury eggs left on clearance, because that's really what I want to do.
This morning one of the ladies that works in my office brought in a bunch of Easter candy she didn't want at her house. A giant freaking bowl of chocolate!!! I was in the kitchen when she came in and sat it down, I sooooo very casually looked at it when I walked past on my way back to my desk...then I sat and fantasized, I schemed. For four hours I held out, but I finally lost the war. I made two more 'recon' trips to the kitchen, it was like freaking Mission Impossible when I went in for the snatch. On trip number one I spotted the Cadbury Egg, on trip two someone else was in there. I went back a third time, looked around and grabbed that little sucker.
Then it got even worse. Already I am feeling humiliated and defeated, so why not just compound that!! I TOOK IT TO THE BATHROOM TO EAT IT!!!!!!!! In the effing bathroom!!!!!!! Sweet baby Jesus, I am a crackhead. Hiding in the effing s**tter with my little foil wrapped bundle of crack. I scarffed that thing down so fast it made my pouch hurt and the whole time I was cussing at myself.
I am just 10days out from surgery and already sabotaging my success. I don't want to tell Peaches and I tell him everything. I know he won't be mad or make me feel bad, but it's like sharing my humiliation out loud makes it more permanent and real. So I am telling you all and logging it in MFP, all 150 calories and 25 GRAMS OF SUGAR!! For eff's sake the whole thing only weighs 39 grams. UGGGG, what the efifity eff did I just do and more importantly why the effity eff did I do it?
I am also having a hard time getting my water in this week, I do really well at work. Keep that mug in front of me all the time, but at home I get distracted. I have not hit 64oz in the last two days. I will be working on this today, working diligently! Also I will be talking myself out of the 200yard walk to Target to see if they have any Cadbury eggs left on clearance, because that's really what I want to do.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Workout Wednesday
Well I made it to mile 2.4 on my 4 mile walk home last night before Peaches caught up with me. I am pretty sure I pushed myself a little too far. I was super sore last night and had to get up in the night for some pain meds. I was also DEAD tired this morning, it's amazing how tired I get.
Tonight I will be just doing a mile around my house, no hills and super slow. One of my babies had surgery to rebuild his cruciate ligament 6 weeks ago and part of his physical therapy is 'curb work'. Basically we do an 'S' pattern on and off the curb, so he gets some felxion in his knee. This is very slow going and since I am also recuperating I think his pace will just fine. Peaches will also be putting through my paces with some upperbody stuff, I use 5lb dumbbells and do most of the exercises on an exercise ball (sometimes even with one foot raised!!), so my core gets a work out too.
MandaPanda is always motivating herself with a race or goal and I have decided to follow her lead. I have signed up with three other friends for the Dirty Dash on July 14th. This is a 3 mile obstacle course with LOTS of mud pits. Some people are really hardcore, they view it as a race, but there are beer stops along the way for gosh sakes, so in reality it is pretty laid back. I don't want to be humiliated and not be able to climb the stuff so I am going to start training for it. There is also a mini triathlon in September that I have been eying....that seems a little scarier then running around in the mud with a bunch of drunk people. I am going to still have to think about that, work on that kick that fear's A**. I am looking at gyms and a personal trainer, maybe that will be the motivation I need to sign up for it.
It feels good to post that up here, not so scary when I really look at it! Yay for Workout Wednesday, let's get our sweat on!!
Dirty Dash BABY!!
Tonight I will be just doing a mile around my house, no hills and super slow. One of my babies had surgery to rebuild his cruciate ligament 6 weeks ago and part of his physical therapy is 'curb work'. Basically we do an 'S' pattern on and off the curb, so he gets some felxion in his knee. This is very slow going and since I am also recuperating I think his pace will just fine. Peaches will also be putting through my paces with some upperbody stuff, I use 5lb dumbbells and do most of the exercises on an exercise ball (sometimes even with one foot raised!!), so my core gets a work out too.
MandaPanda is always motivating herself with a race or goal and I have decided to follow her lead. I have signed up with three other friends for the Dirty Dash on July 14th. This is a 3 mile obstacle course with LOTS of mud pits. Some people are really hardcore, they view it as a race, but there are beer stops along the way for gosh sakes, so in reality it is pretty laid back. I don't want to be humiliated and not be able to climb the stuff so I am going to start training for it. There is also a mini triathlon in September that I have been eying....that seems a little scarier then running around in the mud with a bunch of drunk people. I am going to still have to think about that, work on that kick that fear's A**. I am looking at gyms and a personal trainer, maybe that will be the motivation I need to sign up for it.
It feels good to post that up here, not so scary when I really look at it! Yay for Workout Wednesday, let's get our sweat on!!
Bedtime Karaoke and other stories
I was reading a post from VickyD at My Shrinking Belly, she was talking about cuddling with her husband and it really brought to light for me that there is genuine love in their relationship. I have followed her blog since the beginning and you can just 'hear' it in her posts. Anyway, I thought about my life and the love in it, this post is what came and I am dedicating it to Peaches.
I was once married, it was a long, long time ago and for a very short time (about nine months) and it was a mistake from beginning to end. During this time I went from 165 to 220, I ate to hide my feelings and because I was sad and lonely. I didn't deserve to be happy or skinny or sexy. About two years after that I got involved in an extremely unhealthy, scary relationship, this went on for four years, on and off. This time I yo-yoed with weight and went to some pretty crazy extremes to keep it off. When the final bell rang on this bout of self loathing and broken dreams I topped the scales at 260. If I had gained anything from those four years (other than lots of weight) it was affirmation that I didn't deserve happiness or love or consideration or respect. I was not worth it, so why not just fill that void with Twinkies and Kit Kats.
I was once married, it was a long, long time ago and for a very short time (about nine months) and it was a mistake from beginning to end. During this time I went from 165 to 220, I ate to hide my feelings and because I was sad and lonely. I didn't deserve to be happy or skinny or sexy. About two years after that I got involved in an extremely unhealthy, scary relationship, this went on for four years, on and off. This time I yo-yoed with weight and went to some pretty crazy extremes to keep it off. When the final bell rang on this bout of self loathing and broken dreams I topped the scales at 260. If I had gained anything from those four years (other than lots of weight) it was affirmation that I didn't deserve happiness or love or consideration or respect. I was not worth it, so why not just fill that void with Twinkies and Kit Kats.
While I was still emotionally bruised and recovering from this 'relationship' I met a guy. I thought it was too soon, my friends all told me it was too soon but life doesn't always follow the rules.
Let me digress for a minute and tell you that I believe that there are certain people in your life for a reason, I believe that these same souls will be there again in our next life. Have you ever met someone and just felt like you knew them? I believe this is someone that you knew in a past life, a soulmate. To me this term does not have any romantic meaning at all, it just means that there is a connection between you and this other person that runs deep, it runs to your soul. Stick with me here, I do have a point and will get to bedroom karaoke!
So I met this man during a time when I was recovering from the death of my mom/best friend, rebuilding my life after a horrible break-up and had just been diagnosed with cancer. We worked together and it all started as a little harmless flirting, he nicknamed me Red Hen (I can't for the life of me remember now why) and we would email all day. Just little funny things that kept me smiling. I knew he was a soulmate right away, but did not attach any romantic significance to this. I was taking huge amounts of Prednisone and bigger now than I ever was before, I was balding, I was sick, I was still living in the shadow of crap my last relationship left me with. Then one day I remember working and it was his day off, I knew I would not be seeing him or getting any of his emails. I was sitting at my desk and I heard his laugh, he has stopped by to surprise me with lunch and was talking to someone on the other side of the building. He laughed at something they said and I heard it and I got butterflies. Huge eagle size butterflies and I remember thinking, maybe I do deserve something better....maybe.
Fast forward 4 years and that same man is now my co-host for Bedtime Karaoke. At least once a week Peaches and I will each pick a song or two to download and play/lip sync to. This takes place once we are both in bed, hence the name. And we all know what happens when there is some rocking music going on......that's right kids we dance!! If there is a cat or dog laying close they often become the puppet to our choreographic mastery. And at the conclusion of the amazing display of talent, when I am looking at his adorable grin and hearing that laugh that still gives me eagle size butterflies in my tummy I know that I deserve happiness. I deserve love. I deserve romance. I deserve my little 'family' of fur babies and Peaches. I deserve to love myself - inside and out.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Stats and Bouncing my Droopy Bits
Here is the progress update I promised!!
Also I got an email asking about exercise and if I partook of that particular nectar. I do exercise, every week day I walk/jog home from work. I have tweaked the route to an even four miles with three nice sized hills in it. I started by just walking the whole thing, then I would jog one block and walk three, then jog one and walk one, and so on. Finally after about 3 months of working up to it I actually jogged the entire way home....and much to my surprise it actually took me longer. My jogging has a lot of vertical action, a lot of bits bouncing but it would seem the forward progression is a bit limited. My heart rate was really elevated while jogging though and that's where we are burning those calories. My time was improving everyday and then I got shingles. I had a some bad reactions to the drugs and in combination with my other health issues I was out of commission for 6 weeks. Basically I just started over with the walking for three weeks then took last week off after surgery. I did some walking, but not more than a mile.
This afternoon I brought my sweating clothes with me to work and I will start my walk home. I am anxious to get back in the swing of things but I don't want to overdo it and break my Lapband!! I tend to push myself too much. So if I make it all the way home, then yay for me. If not Peaches is on alert to drive my route on his way home and check for a beached hippo laying on the sidewalk.
There may or may not be a second post for today. There are some peeps out there that have gotten me thinking.........
Stay Tuned!
| Date | Neck | Arm | Bust | Chest | Waist | HD | Hips | Thigh | Calf | Weight |
| 03/05/11 | 16.75 | 16 | 50.25 | 42 | 45.5 | 53 | 49.25 | 31.5 | 17.5 | 295.5 |
| 03/18/12 | 16.75 | 14 | 48.5 | 40.5 | 43.25 | 52.5 | 48.5 | 30.25 | 17.25 | 263.4 |
| 04/01/12 | 16.5 | 14 | 47.5 | 41.25 | 42.5 | 52 | 47.5 | 30.25 | 17 | 254 |
| 04/08/12 | 16.25 | 14 | 47.25 | 40 | 41.75 | 52.25 | 47.5 | 29.5 | 16.75 | 249.8 |
Also I got an email asking about exercise and if I partook of that particular nectar. I do exercise, every week day I walk/jog home from work. I have tweaked the route to an even four miles with three nice sized hills in it. I started by just walking the whole thing, then I would jog one block and walk three, then jog one and walk one, and so on. Finally after about 3 months of working up to it I actually jogged the entire way home....and much to my surprise it actually took me longer. My jogging has a lot of vertical action, a lot of bits bouncing but it would seem the forward progression is a bit limited. My heart rate was really elevated while jogging though and that's where we are burning those calories. My time was improving everyday and then I got shingles. I had a some bad reactions to the drugs and in combination with my other health issues I was out of commission for 6 weeks. Basically I just started over with the walking for three weeks then took last week off after surgery. I did some walking, but not more than a mile.
This afternoon I brought my sweating clothes with me to work and I will start my walk home. I am anxious to get back in the swing of things but I don't want to overdo it and break my Lapband!! I tend to push myself too much. So if I make it all the way home, then yay for me. If not Peaches is on alert to drive my route on his way home and check for a beached hippo laying on the sidewalk.
There may or may not be a second post for today. There are some peeps out there that have gotten me thinking.........
Stay Tuned!
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